Freaky fever: which funky dancing freak are you?

It happens every time I go somewhere there’s a dance-floor — it’s completely predictable and there’s no way I can change the pattern, nor would I ever want to: at the start of the night I’m standing with all my man-mates, arms crossed, sniggering, adamant I’m not going to dance — I’m definitely not going to dance, nothing and nobody is going to get me on that floor, dancing to crap music that I’ve always hated — and by the end of it I’m all over that dance-floor. You can’t get me off it. It’s the most natural thing in the entire world. For those few hours, while the music plays and I sweat my bollocks off, it’s like nothing can touch me and time stands still. Atomic Kitten and Kylie have never sounded so good.

But it’s tough to begin with. I don’t drink, I can’t drink, it’d literally put me in hospital — let’s not go there now — so it’s not like I have anything to hide behind or any way to blame my dance moves on something other than me. For this reason, alcohol is never in charge of creating new and inspirational dance moves, and this, I think, leaves me at a distinct disadvantage compared to all the other dancing fiends out there. Totally sober and fully aware of everything, second after second, moment after moment, I’m thinking Come up with something cool and new! or No, not that move again, I’ve already done that too much. Chris, don’t let yourself down!

Dancing like a lunatic is tough when you’re sober and, the next morning, you wake up and remember it all. You should try it sometime, really.

Which dancing freak am I? I couldn’t possibly comment. It’s not my place. It doesn’t seem right to. Others should decide. So, instead, here’s my run-down of some of the various dancing freaks I have come across over the years (confirmed by last night’s excellent move making experience).

1: The Copycat: beware the Copycat. The Copycat sees every single move on the dance-floor and carefully works each and every one into his or her routine. It’s subtle, but if you know what to look for it stands out a mile away. And the Copy Cat is absolutely shameless. They don’t care that you’ve spent 10, maybe 15 minutes cultivating that cool side-step manoeuver. All they care about is stealing moves and passing them off as their own — usually with less style! (Note: can be infectious, so look out.)

2: The Occasional Hero: of all the dancing freaks, the Occasional Hero is one of the most elusive. One minute they’re commanding the dance-floor with grace and style, leaving a trail of awe and jealousy that is not easily healed…the next they’re at the bar with the kind of stance that suggests they’ve never even set foot on it. The Occasional Hero is one hell of an interesting phenomenon…it’s like they don’t even need to practice. (Note: can be quiet and unassuming off the dance-floor, taking you by surprise.)

3: The Never Ender: think you have dancing endurance? You ain’t seen nothing yet. The Never Ender might look like they weren’t exactly built for the dance-floor — they often have a drink in hand and can be found texting while dancing — but they’ve been through this experience a hundred times before and they can go the distance. (Note: their moves aren’t always the most extravagant, but over the night, as everyone else becomes worn out and knackered-looking, their moves begin to shine, coming into their own.)

4: Funky Moves Deluxe: the FMD is truly one-of-a-kind. Gifted and completely without inhibition, the FMD is a source of constant surprise and it doesn’t even look like they have to try to come up with ingenious new dance moves. (Note: often preyed upon by The Copycat, and for good reason.)

5: Too Pissed To See Straight Let Alone Care: you know the type.

6: The Berzerker: on paper — or spoken out loud, for that matter — they seem totally illegal. Like the dance-floor is the very last place they ought to be allowed. Their moves are utterly unorthodox, mind-bending, even, but do they care? No, they couldn’t give a shit — they were born to party. The Berzerker is very often the quiet guy in the office, or the shy girl who never speaks during team meetings. But get them on the dance-floor and all hell breaks loose and minds are corrupted. (Note: they can look mentally ill at times, but that’s all part of the charm.)

7: Group Boppers: these rely on being in a group, where all the dance moves are synchronised carefully and with stunning committment. These flank the dance-floor, and rivalry can develop between various clans. Usually hanging around in small groups of 4 or 5, the world of the Group Bopper is an enclosed and intimate one of whispers and giggles — nobody gets inside their circle. Group Boppers, when they become separated from their dancing pack, can often be seen making their way towards the bar. The last thing you’ll see them do is dancing on their own.

8: The Stand Alone Enigma: one of the most unconventional of all the dancing freaks, the SAE is in a world of his or her own…untouchable and without a care in the world, they’re not bothered that you think their dance moves are crap, and they have a certain nonchalance that the FMD can only dream of. (Note: avoid getting in their personal space, because you never know when a wild dance move is coming right at you!)

9: The Space Maker: speaking of wild dance moves…nobody knows more about that subject than the Space Maker. You can think of the Space Maker as a friend of the Berzerker. Only that’s where the similarities end, and very abruptly. For when the Space Maker starts on a campaign of freakiness, everyone knows about it and clears the dance-floor within seconds. (Note: they like to swing their arms around and won’t leave the dance-floor unless physically made to.)