Important cultural musings: the legend of Heinz Beans & Pork Sausages inside a tin

All my life I have felt a deep and compelling connection with HEINZ BEANS baked beans with PORK SAUSAGES in a rich tomato sauce – one which obviously goes well beyond the rational reasoning of someone who knows, with certainty, that what he is eating is in fact absolute crap (I see little point in trying to hide my feelings here, as is clear. Even people who merely scan this blog post lightly will surely pick up on my unmistakeably pro-beans-and-sausages agenda, for which I can’t and won’t apologise).

What with so much going on in the world, and so many significant topics frequently needing addressing, it’s understandably not that often that writers have the vision and sense of pride to engage their readers with nostalgic musings concerning this much-loved tinned-thing. In this blog post which I hope at least some people do actually bother to read, I am going to attempt to put that right.

HEINZ BEANS baked beans with PORK SAUSAGES in a rich tomato sauce – not to be confused with other lesser brands of beans & pork sausages which lack the prerequisite 55% or 65% pork content, depending on which mysterious nutrition information label you read – are a conundrum, both from a health perspective and a free will perspective (do we in fact have free will to eat beans & sausages in a tin, or is their consumption entirely beyond our control and an inevitability? I’m going with the latter). Much as I love HEINZ BEANS baked beans with PORK SAUSAGES in a rich tomato sauce in a tin, even I will admit that on the surface – well, on any level, really – the idea seems at first freakish. Maybe even demented. The issue begins with the beans, of course. On one hand, it seems wrong to stick pork sausages in that tin beside them, around them, on top of them, beneath them – in the tin there is no escaping! – yet from another perspective, it also seems inspired and brave.

When citing how wrong HEINZ BEANS baked beans with PORK SAUSAGES in a rich tomato sauce and other brand beans & pork sausages in a tin really are, mini-sausage-haters will stoop to almost any level imaginable to get their sordid point across, often clinging to desperate illogical facts and using opinion disguised as fact, laced with years of well-practised bitterness on top.

Here, in no particular order, are some of the (alleged) reasons, shock tactics and downright outrageous lies which people have used on me over the years:

The sausages ruin the beans (if you say so).

The sausages aren’t even proper sausages (the audacity…).

The strange smooth consistency of the sausages is disgusting and ominous (!).

You shouldn’t be able to eat miniature sausages cold out of a tin/can (!!).

The shape of the sausages is inappropriate (I am still considering the meaning of this one).

You don’t even know what the sausages are made out of (I have to admit you have a point here – or at least you did until today).

But then again, are there any universal rules on what you can put with beans inside a tin? And even if there are – there aren’t, so don’t bloody start – didn’t someone somewhere say that rules are meant to be broken [within reason]? Didn’t everyone agree to that being a brilliant and memorable saying at the time, even though half those people were the exact same people saying that everyone had to follow their silly rules?

As for the sausages allegedly being not even proper sausages, this – along with the other points – I simply find offensive (particularly if directed at me as I eat HEINZ BEANS baked beans with PORK SAUSAGES in a rich tomato sauce). If you buy into the concept behind HEINZ BEANS baked beans with PORK SAUSAGES in a rich tomato sauce, you must also buy into the fact that what we’re dealing with here, undeniably, is mass produced endearing crap, with a luxurious middle-class twist which not even middle-class people can deny.

It won’t kill you (probably), so really, what’s the harm?

To these things, I smile. Because if ever a day does come when the world as I know it is falling apart around me, and all that is left are a significant number of tins of HEINZ BEANS baked beans with PORK SAUSAGES in a rich tomato sauce – hopefully I’ll be surrounded by people who have spent many years hating HEINZ BEANS baked beans with PORK SAUSAGES in a rich tomato sauce, as this will both make me feel better and also give me the best chance at surviving the longest out of everyone within that confined space – I will be the one who is laughing. Albeit intermittently.

Fortunately, for all the negativity surrounding the legend of HEINZ BEANS baked beans with PORK SAUSAGES in a rich tomato sauce in a tin – I know I keep mentioning the entire name, but I assure you Heinz are not sponsoring this blog post – there is also a great deal of hope. After all, for something to be produced in such quantity, there has to be demand. Demand from people whose lives can be mapped and made sense of merely by a quick glance at how many tins of HEINZ BEANS baked beans with PORK SAUSAGES in a rich tomato sauce they have consumed (although you probably wouldn’t want to be the one actually doing the mapping…not unless the consumption was at such a high level that what came out was more or less what went in, in which case it might just about be bearable – probably best not to over-think this).

These people will sing the praises of HEINZ BEANS baked beans with PORK SAUSAGES in a rich tomato sauce in a tin. When you meet someone who truly understands this phenomenon, a special bond is formed which cannot be broken, even when they suddenly turn when under the influence of a heavy health-binge (if you stay in the game long enough, you’re bound to meet one of them).

I’m sure that lovers of HEINZ BEANS baked beans with PORK SAUSAGES in a rich tomato sauce will agree that this product is all of the following things.

Culturally important.

Progressive.

Wildly ambitious.

Exciting.

Unusual.

And that, really, is all there is to it. So shut up.

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Breaking news: man, 45, sues various London authorities using UK Government’s controversial new legislation

The man, who cannot currently be named for legal reasons, is suing various London authorities for what he says are a spate of serious sexual assaults occurring daily between 1992 and the present day – mainly while travelling on the London Underground.

In a bizarre turn of events, the man, from Leeds, is suing the authorities on the grounds of brand-new Government legislation. The recently passed Sexual assault by a foreign body allowed to infiltrate a public/private space, under the responsibility of the authority in charge of that public/private space law was passed by Parliament in May 2013, and states that “any foreign body allowed to infiltrate a public/private space may be held responsible for sexual assault or any other kind of assault or harm, and that as a direct result, the organisation or person/people/authority in charge may be held fully accountable for any offences which have been allowed to take place as a result of incompetence or negligence also”.

At the heart of the case is the man’s allegation that, over many months and years, the wind has been at the centre of a slew of sexual assaults which could have been prevented by one certain authority.

The authority, which manage transport for London, have declined comment.

Experts fear that the case could open the flood-gates for countless copy-cat lawsuits which could bring authorities across the country – and indeed the world – to task over countless violations made on public transport and much more. According to Barrister Keith Jowman, most likely to use the law are men in shorts and women wearing short skirts, with the possibility of some offences being back-dated as many as 40 years, mirroring the recent historical sex abuse scandals which rocked the BBC.

The law, and future variations of it, could potentially affect authorities in charge of restaurants, museums and theatres, as well as hospital waiting rooms and anywhere else where windows are a common feature. Ironically, some experts suggest that the Government’s own employees and workplaces could be most at risk of involvement in some cases.

According to Doctor Ariashkah Rosenberg of Sweden’s Natural Sciences Committee, this is not the first time that the wind has been at the centre of such serious allegations – although it can be said that this land-mark case is the first time the wind as a sexual predator has been taken this seriously.

“For the last 25 years I’ve been studying the intense and often serious psychological effects of wind abuse on people in public and private places,” she said. “The wind may seem entirely harmless to most people, but to ignore the serious nature of a particularly violent under-door draught is to ignore a great many claims which are grounded very much in reality. Besides that, nobody wants to live in a world where passing wind could be considered sexual abuse.”

She went on to add: “just to put any worries to rest before they have a chance to flourish and spread on social networks, passing wind will never be considered sexual abuse – at least it’s highly unlikely in our life-time. Even if some of us wish that was not the case…”

This is not the first time that London authorities have come up against such opposition, either. Back in 2009, the aforementioned London authority were warned that they would need to be seen to be doing something about the windows in London Underground Tube carriages, which often allow an unsettling level of wind through the carriages, disturbing commuters and violating their basic human rights.

We spoke to several commuters about the wind and it’s effect on their health and general well-being. Many made it clear that the legislation is at odds with the wind in this scenario, which is often seen as a positive effect on the lives of commuters.

“I think I can speak for all the other poor b******* on my tube when I say that the wind is an essential thing on the London Underground, particularly in the summer,” said Paul Wilmington of Derby. “Seriously, I don’t actually know what the f*** I would do if I couldn’t open the f****** windows in August…

Fellow commuter, Paula Spank said “aside from the fact that the wind isn’t particularly kind to a man I often see on the tube, who wears an horrific wig, bloody hells, dunno what I’d do without it! [Sic]”.

Linda M from Hull said that “my skirt always blows up and it can be very embarrassing — I think the new law could help restore some of my dignity.”

Experts fear that similar lawsuits – which, according to Mr Jowman, could see authorities fined as much as £30,000 per case – could create a society where these kind of court-cases are allowed to proliferate in the same way that personal accident & injury cases have done in the last decade. A society in which draughts, gusts of wind and breezes could cost the UK economy in excess of £5 billion over the next five years, potentially bringing the UK to its knees.

But there is one man who thinks that this could all be a good thing.

Doctor Michael Partridge, of Michigan University, USA, has been studying the soothing effects of the wind for more than 38 years. When asked to comment on the case, which is currently being considered, he said “the wind is a fantastic thing, I think, and it would be horrendous to think we are moving towards a society where it is not allowed to permeate our every-day lives in some shape or form. I have wonderful memories of draughts as a youngster, for example, and although many older women – and indeed moany old men – seem to find draughts highly unpleasant, I see no reason to make a sexual predator out of the wind.”

The case continues.