“I can’t, Homeland’s on!”

Friend or foe?

In ten minutes or so, the next gripping episode of Homeland is on. Actually, it’s a bit pointless me writing that now that it’s been on for a few minutes, but still, I wanted to give this post some context. Anyway, now that I’ve done a terrible job of doing just that, here are a few things I cannot do when Homeland is on. You also may not be able to do them while Homeland is on. And if you can do these things then frankly, well, you’re a bit weird and you can’t be a real fan. In the nicest possible way though. Probably. It’s hard for me to say, not having a clue who you are and everything.

1: answer questions

Don’t ask me a question of any kind when Homeland is on — or in the several minutes leading up to it when I am preparing my snacks — because I’m not going to be able to answer it/them. Some are multi-taskers. I am not. If you ask me “Chris, what’s your favourite food?” and I am watching Homeland, I might say “Swede!” or “Horse!” and I’d be wrong on both counts. I may have eaten horse every so often – I’m sorry to tell you that you probably have too if you eat meat and aren’t always discerning about it… – but I really hate swede. I have no idea why I’d say swede but there you go, I did say I couldn’t answer questions, so you should’ve expected that.

2: walk in a straight line

Because I am trying to keep my eyes on the screen to see what Carrie and Brody are up to, I always walk into things. It’s inevitable. Sometimes, during Homeland, I’m sure I feel the ground shake a bit, and I wonder if this is the combined force of people all over the UK bumping into things. As a result, I have coined it “The Homeland Effect”.

3: I can’t eat properly

It’s because I am so focussed on watching the TV.

4: I can’t sleep

That’s obvious. Not that I would want to sleep while Homeland is on. I think I would have to be drugged for this to happen. Actually, I don’t want to think about it. I should never have brought it up.

5: I can’t come to the phone

Even if another lover of Homeland was calling me, because they were really excited and couldn’t bear to be watching it on their own, I still couldn’t come to the phone. Frankly, it troubles me to think that I might know someone who would even contemplate taking me away from my compulsive Homeland viewing, but alas, it may well be true…

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