7 Things To Forget/Remember While Murray Battles Federer

Andy, doing his version of a smile, looking a bit like a demented James Marsden

Dear Andy: Right now you have much bigger things to worry about in the way of the biggest tennis game/match — I never know what to call them — of your career and our English tennis history, so I highly, highly doubt you will read this before the game/match begins. Or ever, for that matter — I mean, the fact I just wrote that made me almost wet myself with laughter. Anyway, if you do see this post then that’s not my fault, you really shouldn’t have been on your phone in the changing rooms and I think you know that, what with all our hopes resting on you, no pressure, honest. Another thing: sorry Andy but if you ever see this post, it might annoy you, so you should probably resist the urge to continue reading beyond this point. Seriously, please don’t. I do not write this with that intention — the last thing I would want to do is annoy our great tennis hope — I assure you. The following are merely observations which I have had over the years, nothing more. I wish you the very best of luck in your massive, massive tennis game/match against the outlandish Roger Federer. May you kick his arse bigtime.

7 Things To Forget/Remember While Murray Battles Federer

1) This is serious business, so forget, please, that Andy Murray’s mum looks amazingly like Andy Murray wearing a dress and smiling a lot (the smiling is the give-away that it is not AndyMurray in drag, but I highly doubt I needed to tell you that…). I know it’s going to be hard, what with the camera people keep on showing us Andy Murray’s mum’s face over and over again, but you have to try. Like I said: it’s Wimbledon…it’s serious business! Andy is no exception, of course. On a school trip to Cromer when I was 13, some of my schoolfriends remarked how much I looked like this one donkey with a big nose. It hurt very much, seeing as my nose was yet to catch up with the rest of my body. You win some you lose some, I suppose. At least you look like your mum and not an unpopular farmyard animal that you never even see on farmyards anymore and you only ever find on beaches, and hardly ever!

2) Forget that Federer is more or less a softly-spoken-cardigan-loving robot who rarely ever loses. As Murray looks perilously close to losing that next point — come on, no matter how well he plays that is going to happen — repeat to yourself: he is just a man, he is just a man, he is just a man… and under no circumstances allow it to slip into …just a man who has only gone and won everything ever, Jesus, what chance has Murray got!!! Like I said: Andy, if you are now fuming about the whole looking-like-your-mum-thing and this second point, you really shouldn’t have read beyond the aforementioned point. You too, Kim Sears his girlfriend. That was very naughty.

3) Big upsets can happen and have happened. I don’t think I need mention Nadal…

4) If Andy Murray does win, he will still give the most boring post-match interview known to man ever — this is virtually guaranteed (and highly dependant on a line official slipping some Speed into his water bottle mid-match — stranger things have happened, right?). But it doesn’t matter! And anyway, you should really be used to it by. On the upside, if he wins then I highly doubt you and the rest of the nation will really give a shit.

5) Forget about the English weather. Ah, now there’s something I am looking forward to! At least for a while.

6) One day, Federer will lose a match and suffer painful, hideous defeat. Unless he retires before that’s able to happen…but come on, where’s your optimism? Stop thinking it cannot happen.

7) Federer is an incredible tennis player, one of the best ever, so if Andy Murray loses then remember that he lost to the very best there is and he still gave it a bloody good shot. I know it’s going to emotionally destroy a lot of people if Andy doesn’t win, but come on, worse things happen. For example, this morning I found a baby grasshopper in the bathroom and it only had one rear leg — its jumping days over before they’d even begun. No! What’s sadder than a baby grasshopper that will never have the ability to jump? Exactly. So stop moaning.

Liked this? You might like — no, you WILL like, where the hell’s my optimism today? — my debut novel, The Number 3 Mystery Book, available from Amazon UK here and Amazon US here. I’m feeling generous today as well, so here you go, here’s a review. Live in the UK and want a paperback? They’re available from www.thenumberthree.co.uk

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12 comments on “7 Things To Forget/Remember While Murray Battles Federer

  1. Karen says:

    wahahahaha that’s all I can say 😉

    Like

  2. Karen says:

    oh, and all’s well in my world, how’s yours? 😀

    Like

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