The Voice: every-day desperation on a whole new level

Kiefer Sutherland as a vampire from The Lost Boys or a contestant from The Voice. It’s hard to tell.

Cinematic history (and books) are rife with shows of desperation we all know and love: there was that bit in Deliverance which I won’t go into here, all the Rocky films whenever Adrian looked at Rocky in that all-too-pathetic yet somehow completely endearing way — especially whenever Rocky opened the door to the pet shop or made a dumb but sweet remark that is still, to this day, timelessely non-sensical — and then there was the entirety of Dirty Dancing, a film I will champion to the day I die even if that’s completely unfashionable for a man to say and possibly the world’s worst idea after recently writing this post (although unlikely, as when that day comes I hope to have other things on my mind other than sweat grimey dancing). Watch closely and you’ll see that there were times when, if Patrick Swayze, had moved just one inch closer to Baby, he’d have set that woman on fire from the crotch straight up…

And now we have The Voice UK a show which follows the exact same concept of The Voice US (the judges sit with their backs to the contestants and only spin around if they want them for their team, I think) and proclaims to be all about the voice, yet a show where every single contestant, more or less, is really-really-good-looking. A coincidence? Bullshit, my friend! Really, it should be called The Arse, The Legs, or — and this is my favourite — The Really Really Shouty Show. You could also call it The Shafted and Discarded, I suppose — a really good slightly sinister ring to that one, I think — as that’s precisely what happens each and every week, as two desperados battle it out in a kind of boxing ring for children or circus goats and one is accepted and one is sent home to feel misery and despair for probably a lifetime. On second thoughts, maybe The Shafted and Discarded wouldn’t be such an appropriate name for a family TV show. But then, spare a thought for Jessie J’s doing her Manta Ray impersonation…

Sorry Jessie but it’s true

If you’ve managed to somehow miss this brand-new british desperation-sensation, then from this point on you can think of The Voice as the place bar-none for really desperate yet really talented people to beg some of the biggest names in pop for a chance to be the next one, maybe two-song wonder (I am feeling generous today). As I remember saying the other day on Twitter — call me a grandad but I refuse to say Tweeted — the contestants on this show are easily on a level of desperation akin to the mutant-cannibals from any number of the remakes of The Hills Have Eyes.

But, much as many people are loving this show, if you’ve been a long-time Britain’s Got Talent and Simon-seriously-square-head-Cowell fan then you’re probably finding The Voice hard to get used to. And who could blame you? The Voice lacks any of the deranged freaky madness of BGT. Here you will find no old men who can juggle Kryptonite with a dolphin over one shoulder and a Meer Kat balancing on the other. Instead, every week you’re subjected to only quality singing and arguments between will.i.am and big-mouthed Essex starlet Jessie J (they are many, and usually consist of Jessie J making some strange facial expression while will.i.am says, for the thousandth time, something about “The Peas,” being influential to world music). The sad fact is, if you’re a fan of every-day people making a total fool of themselves then The Voice will no doubt come as a shocking disappointment. But then, the pay-off is great if you’re looking for quality TV, as every episode of The Voice usually sees at least a few impressive talents discovered.

 

Here, then, if anyone out there actually cares, are my favourite things about The Voice:

1) How much Tom Jones loves himself. It’s remarkable for a man with hair that’s fuzzy-white just like a manky dog’s.

2) The way the big red chairs swivel round in dramatic fashion. Ooh, gets me every time.

3) The way the camera loves to zoom-in on the judges’ — sorry, coaches’ — hands as they decide whether or not to spin around (usually not if you’re Jessie J, and usually every bloody time if you’re the guy from The Script whose name I can’t remember).

4) The way, when I go round anyone’s house on a Saturday night, they’re always in a mad frenzy to get prepared for when The Voice comes on. Only the other day me and a friend had a brief but tense argument because I had said The Voice was on at 7:30pm and it was actually on at 7pm. The horror! Our plan had been to go and get a cheeseburger and chips before the show so we could settle down with it — on separate sofas, to save any elbow wars at a time when we needed to concentrate to understand what the hell Jessie J was talking about — yet when 7pm struck I found myself being verbally attacked for my ineptitude and the show about to start. No! Still, it didn’t matter. Had this been 1998 we’d have been forced to forego the fast food and sit in silence and stagnating-man-anger, but seeing as it was 2012, we just pressed record and then watched the show when we got back from the chip shop where the scary man works, the man who, if you dare ask him how much something is again, gives you the stare of death and speaks with undisguised disgust. Ah, the beauty of technology, everyone wins…

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8 comments on “The Voice: every-day desperation on a whole new level

  1. hemarishi says:

    LOL Manta Ray!! excellent! but you have got to love Jaz Ellington
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJKUVuGak74 its really good !!

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  2. miksmith says:

    I’m not quite sure which comparison is the most accurate here – the ‘Manta Ray’ one or ‘The Lost Boys’ one…. because they are BOTH absolute blinders:)

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    • chrispink says:

      I’m so happy the photos worked out! I worried that the Manta Ray comparison was possibly only in my head…yet these comments prove otherwise in a big way! Poor Jessie J’s mum…

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  3. Karen says:

    Hm, if it were all about the voice then that 16 year old opera singer would have got somewhere. Self taught and brilliant! But they didn’t turn around and one of them (Jessie J I think – is she a man?)summed it up with – oh if I had known you were a lovely young thing I would have turned around UGH! BTW under comment number 4 on your post: are you sure that was an elbow room thing or another man-thing (refer your previous post) 😉 hehe
    – Karen

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    • chrispink says:

      Karen…Imust confess that, sadly, I didn’t see the 16-year-old! But sounds amazing. It’s so bloody sad and horrible when they don’t turn around. Using my limited knowledge, I have determind, so far, that Jessie J is the worst (and it’s funny, lots of people have been writing “Is Jessie J a man?” to find this blog! And yeah…it’s a shame really.

      And yes, I am sure! I am certain about the elbow room thing! But I knew I had that one coming…hehe 🙂 Trust you!

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      • Karen says:

        hehe couldn’t resist ;D Anyway I don’t like any show where contestants are made to feel bad about themselves, although I suppose The Voice is mild compared to Simon Cowell and his comments on BGT or X Factor!

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