I often find myself looking at a certain object, or item, or band – or something that people do, we’ve all seen people do – wondering how it was that it or they or that were allowed to come into existence in the first place. Like with Mr Blobby (he definitely falls into the THAT category), as featured below (click and you will be magically transported straight into Mr Blobby’s outlandish messed-up universe; I’m not sure if I can recommend that or not, but there it is…). In the case of the Blobby-thing, why didn’t someone intervene and say “Hey, actually this…well…what is this? Whatever he or it is, it’s an absolutely terrible idea…seriously…whoever dreamt this freak up really needs to get some help. Fast.”?
Oh, and I probably should have mentioned, if you weren’t aware, that Mr Blobby was supposed to be a children’s entertainer...
And sometimes it’s good things, things which make me smile. One day it might be Kriss Kross (this dynamic duo came into existence because in the 1990s, someone realised that the word JUMP sounded really good when you shouted it twice quickly in a high voice and then said “it’s wiggadywiggadywack!”) and the next it might be something more worrying, although not quite as worrying as Mr Blobby…actually let’s just do a list, that’ll make it easier:
- POINTLESS: Fish knife and forks: I don’t know if this is a typically English thing, but here in England we have these ridiculous fancy forks designed specifically for eating fish with; yes, you can’t eat anything else with them, only fish. As I’m sure I’ve already written before, these forks are perfect examples of what happens when progression goes a step too far and all kinds of extra things are added to what is, on its own, a perfectly practical design that doesn’t need changing. I mean, you can eat with your hands, right? So this is just silly. Now, where to begin with my dislike of this stupid cutlery…Firstly, they’re a downright strange shape like something the Queen might use, and secondly, they’re awkward to eat with and make eating fish far less enjoyable. The really crazy thing about fish forks, of course — and you’ll need to have an open mind to consider this possibility — is that there will be alternate dimensions out there in the universe where they exist in even more ridiculous forms. Think yourself lucky you exist in this one!
- Post-it notes which aren’t adhesive. It’s like breeding eagles without wings. You just don’t do it.
- Those strips they put on train platforms in Europe so that blind people can tell more easily where the edge of the platform is, saving them from certain doom. A fine idea…had they been done by someone who actually understood the implications of being blind. You have to feel sorry for those people who are newly blind, I think. If at all possible, imagine how difficult it already is to navigate yourself around with only a stick – you’re still waiting for your dog, which if you’re in the UK will be stuck in the post for months, the poor furry thing – and then imagine being terrified every time you go near a railway track, just in case you take too big a step. That is, if you make it past the first attempt…and don’t even think about what that German Shepherd looks like after 3 months in a cardboard box.
- People who ask how you are but actually they’re not asking how you are, they’re thinking about how there’s a strong chance they’re going to have sex that evening (fair enough), or why you never see baby pigeons (you do actually, it’s just that their parents feed them stupid amounts of food, making them quickly fat like the adults. Don’t ask me how I know that). They may as well say “how’s the angry elephants, Steve?” or “Fancy a space fart cowboy hat, Sarah?” when they meet you. You’d be freaked out, but at least you’d know where you stand.
- Shower-gel, soap and shampoo which smells so good you want to eat it; that if you do NOT eat it, you are missing out in a big way and life simply will not be the same. Not good when it’s first thing in the morning and your consciousness is still floating in that bizarre lucid void where you’re not really concentrating and at the same time feeling very hungry. Honestly, the sick, sick people of soap and shower-gel land…
- Vegetarian food which tries very hard, too hard, some might say (me), to mimic meat. Why not have a vegetarian tofu starfish or a vegetarian bean curd spider monkey instead? (It’d make food shopping a lot more interesting if vegetarian products were in the shape of wild animals, don’t you think? “Excuse me,” you might say, “I’m just looking for the Tofu Orangutan burger aisle, you do have an aisle for apes, don’t you?” Food and education together. I really ought to get myself on that Dragon’s Den.)
- People who say “I probably shouldn’t tell you this…” and then go on to tell you this. And that.
- And then we have the Captcha…
Oh, the dreaded Captcha that haunts my dreams…
Today was ridiculous. Once again, I found myself confronted with a Captcha that seemingly had absolutely no intention of allowing me to send an email. Unbeknownst to me, this thing had been waiting for me for seconds, months, years maybe, all the time getting closer to ruining my day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely against Captcha’s – I know they are a vital weapon in the war against Spam and crucial if you own a website which gets any amount of hits. But THIS Captcha I had come across was one of those evil genius ones which toys with you for as long as you have the patience, and carefully breaks down your mental barriers, slowly pushing you to go and eat that doughnut you 100% promised yourself you wouldn’t eat until tomorrow (yeah, right) or that chocolate which should really last the entire week (ha!). And the people behind these little pieces of fortified horror aren’t exactly stupid, are they? They’ve made it so if you don’t like the mish-mash of symbols on the screen you can keep on pressing the Refresh button for HOURS if you so wish, convinced that, sometime in the near future, a configuration will appear that makes sense; who knows, there may be some poor guy or girl in a room somewhere who’s been trying to send an email for years. And this one today, I swear, it came close to breaking me. I managed ten minutes — I must have hit that bloody Refresh button at least 40 times — and then finally had to give in and admit that I would never come across a selection of words/numbers that I could actually understand. I simply gave up, and felt like a failure.
Those fucking Captcha’s!
The really sad thing, of course, is that if you do just keep going for ages and ages and ages like a mad man, you usually are eventually rewarded with a Captcha that just about makes some kind of sense. Then, nervously, you enter the number/symbols and wait patiently to see if your email has been accepted. And when it has you smile and feel really good about yourself as if you’ve beaten something that really hated you. Yes, you’ve beaten it, and you should feel PROUD.
But you haven’t, is the thing…because there are MILLIONS MORE TO COME!
Own an iphone/Kindle or other E-reader and feel like wasting £3 or $4 on a book instead of some condoms/beer/a vital taxi ride home after getting hopelessly smashed out of your mind? The Number 3 Mystery Book can do that for you nicely on Amazon UK or Amazon US. It won’t even leave you with a hangover! Blame my dad for my jokes…