The mysterious secrets that women keep (and men, well, me at least, will never understand…)

Sadly, when I typed ‘average looking woman’ into Google, this image came up. This doesn’t look very average to me. But then, when the majority of the internet is plastered with too-thin women, maybe this is average.

I’m not going to get into a religious or evolutionary debate here – and besides, everyone knows that you need at least two people to debate something, which is fortunate for me – but I will say that however it was that man and woman came to be, and whatever some disillusioned people may still think, woman came out on top. All things considered, the fact that we live in a male-dominated world stupefies me, really — I just find it hard to believe that things are still that one-sided. I often lie awake at night wondering how the trains would be running if women had been in charge since the start (not to mention whisks; if women had been in charge of them since day one then I highly doubt we’d have had to endure the tedious annoyance that is hand-whisking things for over a hundred years). So, let’s quickly examine several traits generally associated with both sexes (and please don’t email me in a rage stating how I have generalized. I will simply agree with you wholeheartedly while not bothering to reply to you. Thanks. Also don’t email me to say I hate men. I am one, or at least I was last time I checked. Yep, still am).


1) Will not ever ask strangers for directions (if they do — and I am talking from experience — they like to dress it up as a friendly conversation, dropping the question in nonchalantly, so as to drive on with a degree of male pride intact. Which does not work, ever).

2) Will not ever look at instructions. Instructions are THE ENEMY.

3) Will not ever accept help from strangers or friends when trying to build something. In this case, EVERYONE IS THE ENEMY, including and not limited to the Sky, inanimate objects both near and imagined, and even ones pathetic, constructually-impotent self (I do believe it is the first and last time I will ever use that expression, but I may be wrong).


1) Are better than they should be at multi-tasking. Let’s just leave it at that…

2) Possess the universally, language-transcending, irritating ability to always have the last word.

3) Are attracted to human-beings such as Rod Stewart. Rod Stewart. And the thing is, you just can’t blame ten million women fancying Rod Stewart on ten million brain injuries, either — although it would explain a lot — which suggests that something much more sinister has to be going on. But then I would think that…I’m a man, with a deep and entrenched obsession with not being able to work out Rod Stewart’s unbelievable face.

Delving deeper into the murky quagmire of enormous differences that exists between the sexes is the fact that male body’s resemble some kind of ultra-elaborate joke where body parts have been randomly slapped on willy-nilly, pun-intended – an ugly wrinkled dangly thing here, a pair of ancient-looking hanging round things there. It doesn’t matter which angle you approach it from: women are streamlined, gorgeous creatures which can dance badly all they like and still, somehow, come off with a degree of integrity and sexual allure, while men on the other hand…

…but still, at least we look at Rod Stewart and go “Oh, bloody hell…”

But it’s in the secrets that women keep that things get really interesting. For, since the dawn of time – or at least since fish grew breasts and discovered they really liked winding fish-with-dangly-bits up – they have had their own unique code of practice which men find impossible to understand. Which, surely, is the point?

Forget the point for a while. Some of which are as follows:

1) Leaving wisps of black, ambiguous hair clinging to the toilet bowl after some odd, unthinkable ritual. These strange ritualistic happenings can also be found in bathroom bins, adding even more so to the mystery.

2) Farting — modern-day equality demands that I use the term most commonly used by men, as opposed to the far less abrasive one passing wind — with just as much raging stinkage as any man, but somehow always avoiding suspicion as the perpetrator (it’s almost as if they can throw their farts like a ventriloquist expertly throws his or her voice).

3) Being not hungry in the slightest one minute, then absolutely starving the next (which always happens after you have just asked them, several times, if they wanted to change their mind, and they said “stop asking me if I want to change my mind!”).

Or maybe it’s just me.

One comment on “The mysterious secrets that women keep (and men, well, me at least, will never understand…)

  1. Yasmin Selena Butt says:

    Nice post! x

    Mr Pink… you’re going to have to join forces with me and Mr Brown when we write our epic book on the sexes that’s going to be on every Christmas wish list up and down the nation. But before you can do that, please can you tell me why your lady’s right arm is shaped like a bean sprout?


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