Crimes against sleepage (and if you think I care that sleepage isn’t a real word, you are very much mistaken)

PIC OF PISSED-OFF COUPLE TO GO HERE!
I’m sure it’s obvious to anyone that this couple have made the fatal mistake of trying to put the covers on the bed TOGETHER. They will not make this mistake again. Mainly because this is the last time they will be sleeping together!

Out of all the mundane things in life which I absolutely hate doing – most of them unavoidable and inevitable things, such as waiting to fall asleep (POINTLESS and ANNOYING!) or putting on poorly designed socks which actually cause you real physical pain (EVIL! JUST PLAIN EVIL!) – putting the covers on my bed is easily in the top ten. You may think Well, if that’s all he’s got to worry about then he should shut his bearded face, that’s nothing! and you’d be right I expect – especially if you’re the proud owner of a new puking baby which refuses to shut up crying, in which case you have my sympathy, but really what did you expect? – but at the same time, there’s bound to be millions of lucky people out there with baby’s who don’t puke or cry all the time and who can relate perfectly to this woe of mine (they do not have my sympathy — because to me this kind of Omen-like-child seems to go against everything that babies ought to do. Except for when they’re changing a nappy and find an alarmingly colossal brown stinking sloppy gift in it. In that case the notion of unprotected sex must lose its appeal, I expect. It’s losing its appeal for me just thinking about it…).

Now onto why I dislike this putting-the-bed-covers-on-my-bed-thing, and here’s where my argument starts to unravel itself at alarming speed…can you tell I’m just writing this as I go? Ah, the beauty of being your own Editor!

…the reason it is such a hated task, for myself, is really because of all the stuff in my hovel that surrounds my bed – yep, it’s true, very little of the whole annoying drama is actually my bed’s sole fault. But still, if we were in some surreal LSD-induced court-of-law and I was taking my bed to court for crimes against sleepage – my mattress an imposing flat defendant with pipe-cleaner arms and legs, being represented by its more legally-minded friend the pillow in a battle-of-words which could potentially result in the worst sentence of all: being dumped in a skip or even set on fire! – I would argue that if the bed wasn’t there then the mess wouldn’t either. Ha! A pretty much water-tight argument if I do say so myself (still, I do hope I never end up in that court-of-law…)

Until I take my bed away…

The point is that someone needs to come up with an invention to make putting the covers on the bed and duvet a hell of a lot easier than it has been for the last however-many-thousand years (nobody say “Women!” or “Bedmakers!”) Cpink the blog does not endorse sexism or making fun of Bedmakers). Dragon’s Den is waiting . That new vampish, manly one with the big square shoulders and the worryingly deep voice is waiting to see your pitch…

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2 comments on “Crimes against sleepage (and if you think I care that sleepage isn’t a real word, you are very much mistaken)

  1. robinana says:

    Your humor is both refreshing and welcome. I have started to really look forward to your posts. And yes, I read them to myself complete with British accent. Please blog more often…my only complaint.

    Robin

    Like

    • chrispink says:

      Dear Robin!
      Ah, that was very kind of you to say. You’ve made my day, thanks 🙂
      How is the British accent going? Let me know.
      I’m trying to blog more often now…will do my best!
      Paperbacks are really on their way, honest.
      Hope yourself and the family are doing just fine,
      Chris

      Like

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