Love Sex?

PIC OF SEXY DUREX AD TO GO HERE!

Call me a Thicko, but to begin with I didn’t get this ad at all. I just thought ‘well she looks quite happy’ and then ‘I suppose they just didn’t have room for the baby she must have had after not using contraception’. Then I realised I’d mis-read the line at the bottom (one day you’ll wish you’d had a Durex condom) and simultaneously saw the bulge. Didn’t I feel like a wally!

You really have to wonder what’s going on when you see a Durex advert on TV.

Already, you see, without you even really knowing it, your brain has just done a pretty impressive thing (unless you quite literally have just awoken from a coma which you’ve been in since 1921). Upon reading the word Durex, the left side of your brain, in its infinite wisdom, will have thought Right then, this is mine to take responsibility of, I’m having this puppy! Impressive, right? I mean, it doesn’t matter how lazy your brain has a habit of being, it will have done this all on its own. Unless you’re exceptional, which in this case isn’t much to be proud about, so wipe that smile off your face.

While all this was going on, don’t be thinking that the rest of your brain was just hanging out waiting for some complex calculation to do or some nice memories to process; no, at the same time, the right-hand side of your brain was doing its bit too: that’s to say it was assessing the tone of the word Durex. And if your right-hand side of the brain is anything like mine ā€“ whether you be male or female ā€“ then it will have made the following assessment: Ooh, it’s sexy time!

Anyway, enough about sexy time for now, and back to the point.

Seriously, enough about sexy time.

That’s better.

So…

What’s going on with Durex? To my mind, you advertise on TV for one of two reasons: 1) you’re looking to completely reinvent your image in a last-ditch attempt to get your message to the masses or 2) you’re in a highly competitive business, like cars. (Or 3) in fact: you own a massive global corporation and spending crazy amounts of money on enormous TV ads is really fun when you think about it.)

Durex? They’re not really either. I mean, how much can you re-invent a condom brand, short of putting rocket blasters on your rubbers or making them play your favourite kind of music? (Actually quite a good idea, now I come to think of it. Although saying that it might feel a little bit weird…playing out of your vagina….especially if it was Susan Boyle or something heavy like Zeppelin. Let’s not even mention Jedward…) And secondly, am I the only person who can’t think of another condom brand off the top of his head? And nobody be smart and say “Tesco value!” please.

All this analysis and speculation brings me to one double-faceted conclusion: either Durex have caught wind of another company who are ramping up their efforts to become the world’s leading condom brand — Alan Sugar and Tom’s secret plan alongside Tom’s amazing back-pain reducing chair, perhaps — or condoms are just generally going out of fashion. And who knows, that may well be the case ā€“ not that fashion matters: water balloons will always be popular even if safe sex isn’t.

And now we come to the advert itself…

Imagine what would happen if you asked the team behind horrendous poor-excuse-for-a-hip-young soap Hollyoaks to re-invent a Durex commercial. And now imagine that, during the excitement of the team being told they had been awarded this prestigious contract, someone with an obsession for late eighties film series Cocoon snuck in, locked an employee in the toilets, stole their highly, irritatingly fashionable clothes — please do not question their motive — and somehow managed to convince the director that they had a really great idea for what should happen at the end of the advert (a bright white glow appearing between the standing-up-sexy-couple). This is what the new Durex advert looks like, as of 2011.

What have Durex got in store for the future? Who knows, but I have a feeling this advertisement isn’t the last we have seen of them…

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2 comments on “Love Sex?

  1. Yasmin Selena Butt says:

    I should be in my most beauteous bed with it’s top layer of memory foam – but I just had to say MATES baby! Mates! Direct rival. And erm, Trojan (lesser rival but a fiercesome, grrrr strong like bull, ‘I throw you over my shoulder and take you to my cave, what do you mean this is 2011 woman? That means NOTHING to me!’ manly-man brand for men who claim to find normal skins a bit too snug a-fit for their giant tallywhacker) spring immediately to mind, alongside Durex.

    Durex are the daddies though to be fair to you, in the land of condoms with bells and whistles, and studs, ribs and glow in the dark tomfoolery : ) But now Mates will read your blog and probably come back with even more confusing ad to keep their finger in the pie.

    You should tag Lord Sugar and Tom Unpronounceablename in this piece too. (I wouldn’t mind one of his magic chairs actually). They should have had launching a new condom as a challenge. I would have loved that.

    Brands advertise for brand reinforcement and delineation and to update the visual associations with their products. It makes them hipper than own label alternatives. I didn’t get the ad right away either, in fact, my brain went through the exact thought stages yours did. However, I drew the line at the phrase ‘sexy time’ lol. Is that like ‘Hammer Time’? I’m going to stop laughing now and go to bed.. you are funny : ) God, I’m going to count condoms jumping over fences in my sleep now aren’t I? x

    Like

  2. jihan says:

    The best condom ever is bareback by wet n wild!! I swear to you. I have tried em all. Any condom that says “for her” in its advertising….was created by a “him” and should be avoided. If susan boyle is ever belting out tunes from my vagina…i give you permission to shoot it. I don’t trust a vagina that sings anyway. If my vagina sang it would probably slur like a happy drunk. Sorry.

    Like

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