6 things which are more fun than “Thor” the movie


1) Unforgivably over-cooked pasta (it’s far cheaper than a cinema ticket).

2) Bumping into someone you really don’t want to bump into, and having to make conversation for 10 tortuous minutes (it’s just 10 minutes, not 2 hours).

3) Watching any other film with Natalie Portman in (I recommend Garden State).

4) Mild back pain (almost as bad as Thor, but not quite).

5) Most nightmares (at least you tend to forget them when you open your eyes).

6) A million other things which are not anything to do with watching “Thor” the movie, including picking up dog muck without a bag, and an unexpected nose-bleed (washing your hands is quicker than trying to erase memories of this film, and your body will easily produce more blood).

In other words, don’t bother watching this film. Despite getting 86% on Rotten Tomatoes, and there being a few odd moments of genuine comedy and Ooh, maybe I didn’t waste my money after all? it is actually mainly outright terrible, and it manages to be terrible while having some of the best special effects I have ever seen — quite an achievement when you think about it. The only people who have any excuse for watching this film are people with an obsession with comics who have also recently come out of a long-term relationship and badly need the guiltiest of guilty pleasures, and people who are concussed and end up watching this film when in fact they wanted to go and see something different entirely.

I am neither, sadly, and so it should come as no surprise that I am ashamed of myself for having wasted 2 hours of my life in the cinema, not to mention £7.55 which would have been much better off in the hands of even the most untrustworthy tramp. (And I pity the poor tramp — untrustworthy or otherwise — who decides to treat him or herself to their first cinema viewing in 20 years and ends up watching Thor…).

But there is something good to be said for Thor. And that good thing is that while you are watching this film, you are at least safe from the dangers of the world, such as cars, air-born diseases, and muzzle-less dogs.

Although I did once smash my bike into a car, and from what I remember, that was more fun than watching Thor too…

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